Anything for you
by Nightdustt
Summary: I wish I could be more excited about returning. Don't get me wrong John. I love being back. I love seeing you. Every moment that I spent with you is like heaven. But at the end I'm still dying. A death much slower, quieter and pain fuller than Eastern Europe Johnlock/ Season 3/ Sad/ Angst


„Amazing! Brilliant!"

That what you used to call me. You were the first to say something like that to me. It took me by surprise to be honest. People rarely surprise me. I thought that you would call me Freak or something in that direction but you didn't. No you liked me. You thought that I was amazing. It felt good when you described me like that. I felt warm and not… lonely. I wanted to be your friend. I really did. I wanted you to stay and you did. You did stay and I thank you so much for it.

But I also hate you.

You gave me so much and then took it away. Every single thing. Why did you show me this just to take it away again? Why would you do that and then leave me with nothing? I don't understand. I hate not understanding.

But that's the thing with you. You always surprise me and I don't understand you. Even after all these years. When I think I finally understand you prove me wrong. Its irritating but also soothing.  
My conductor of light. You showed me light when I was in the dark and didn't even know that something as beautiful as light existed. And now I'm back in the dark frantically and desperately searching for the light I once had.

I wonder, do you still think I'm brilliant? Or are you annoyed with me? Do you see the real me now? Do you see the arrogant and ignorant me or are you still fascinated?

 _Drama Queen!_

That's what you called me. Do you really think that or did you just say that because you were in panic?

 _Show off!_

I know that that's me. That's what I do, remember? But you don't like that do you? You don't think that I'm amazing anymore. I know. How could anyone think that? And now you are gone, you left me.  
For her.  
I understand why you like her. Really I do. She's nice, clever, and beautiful. A woman. Everything you ever wanted. The exact opposite of me. I'm not nice. I'm not beautiful. I am not a woman. Yes, I'm clever but in a different way and as you said "Spectacularly ignorant about some things." I guess I am. I didn't even see what I had till it was gone. So I understand why you .like her. Why you are with her. But you know that I am a selfish and don't want you to go. To leave me. But it's too late for that. You already left me.

You said "I do."

That was the day I died. Truly died. The wedding, that stupid wedding. I hate weddings. I always did but now I hate them even more. But I'm happy for you. It made you happy and if you are happy I am happy. Everything for you John. Everything. I'll give you my life, my heart, my soul even my brain just to make you happy.  
It's been two weeks since the wedding.  
You didn't call. You didn't text. But you are back. Back from those holidays. You said you would call. You promised. Nothing will change. That's what you said. You lied. You didn't call. You didn't text. Why? You even said that I am your best friend. And best friends call each other, don't they?

I don't know why I don't call. I just don't want to annoy you. I don't want to interfere with your new life. You're perfect new life without me. I knew this would happen. You said it wouldn't change and I wanted to believe you. God did I want to believe that. But I knew that it would change. Because marriage changes people.

I should move on. Get on with my life but I can't. I gave everything to you years ago. First when you moved in and I accepted you and then when I jumped of that rooftop. I gave my life away to protect you. I thought you would understand. I thought we could go back. I thought you would wait.

I thought wrong.

And now I can't bear it. This emptiness. Your chair. Because you are everywhere. In the kitchen, in the living room. I smell you and hear you. In the morning you make tea. In the evening you watch crap telly or read a book.  
But I never talk to you. I can't, because she stands between us. She blocks my way to you. Even in my mind palace.

I think that I will move your chair. It hurts to much to look at every day. A reminder of what once was. You wouldn't mind would you? You don't live here anymore. I can do what I want, right?

Mrs. Hudson knows. She says "I'm sorry." every time she brings biscuits up. I'm sorry to. She's the only one left that brings me food now. I don't eat a lot anymore and lost weight. Because there is no one in the flat who reminds me to eat something. That person left.

John I miss you. So very, very much.

* * *

I have a case now. It's Magnussen. It's a good distraction but I still miss you. I don't know who to talk to. So instead I talk to Billy The Skull. It's not the same.

Magnussen is dangerous. You would like it. I know you would.

I have to go to a drug den. For the case. Really just for the case. I won't use anything just have to pretend. I won't use. I promise.

* * *

I took some. But it's for the case. Really. It's not because of you.

Why do you even like her so much? You're life must be so boring. How can you stand it? You never wanted a domestic life and you were happy with me, weren't you? Please John. Could you just call me? So I know you still think of me?

* * *

From: Sherlock To: John

Do you want to come over? I would appreciate your company

-Deleted-

From: Sherlock To: John

We don't have any milk left. Get some.

-Deleted-

From: Sherlock To: John

It's really quite here. I want to talk to you

-Deleted-

* * *

When I kiss Janine I think of you. I don't see her dark brown eyes and full red lips but see your blue eyes and taste your lips. I see the ocean blue eyes that can stop the world. Those eyes that always shine. Does Mary notice how your eyes shift and light up when you see something you like?

Does she know that you always get happier when you see tiny water droplets on leaves? Does she know that you like lemon ice cream more than mango? Does she know that you rather read a good book than watch TV? Does she know that you usually stay up for another thirty minutes before actually falling asleep? Does she know that you rather like to listen to 70 and 80 music then 90? Does she know that you rather write with a black pen then a blue one?

Does she even understand and appreciate how much there is to learn of you? Does she understand how lucky she is? Does she understand what a privilege it is?

I hate her.

* * *

You found me in the drug den today. Are you worried about me? Do you even care?! I knew you would be bored with Mary. I knew it. One month and you already start to beat up drug addicts.

Are you jealous of Janine? I hope you are.

Do you miss this? The cases, the adrenaline. You should have just stayed with me. Why did you even leave in the first place? Mary could never satisfy you! Never! What does she give you? I give you what you want, what you need.

I just want you back. Here. In Baker street.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean hurting you by jumping. Really I didn't. I just wanted to protect you.

* * *

Pain.

So much pain.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I need to find you. You will calm me down. I know it.

It hurts.

My whole body is on fire.

She shot me.

Liar.

She is a liar.

Pain. Where are you? John where?

Redbeard!

You left me to but at least now you are here. Come here Redbeard.

Good boy. Clever boy. It's me!

You stay with me right?

Redbeard no! No, don't go! Don't leave me!

* * *

I hate to hurt you like this. But I have to. I need to keep you safe from her that's why I have to lie.

"John you are addicted to a certain life style. You are abnormally attracted to dangerous people. So is it really such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with fits that pattern?"

It's not your fault. Really, it isn't. She lied to you! She hurt you and it isn't your fault. Nothing is your fault. You don't deserve this. Really you don't.

I hate her.

She won't even apologies to you. She just stares at you and expects you to forgive her.

My chest hurts. I know that I'm dying but that's fine. I have to finish this first. Have to keep you safe. Need you to understand.

No John, Mary and I really shouldn't have married. Please don't say something like that. The only person I would want to marry is you.

She's very manipulative. I don't understand why I never saw it before. How didn't I see it?

I'm lying John she didn't call the ambulance. Magnussen did. I'm pretending, so that she feels safe.

My chest hurts again.

A.G.R.A. What does it stand for? Who are you Mary? At least I didn't lie to you about my name.

I hope the paramedics will be here soon.

* * *

You're staying with me. I'm glad. But I feel selfish to. Because I know that you are hurting. I wish it would be different.

People visit me in hospital. My parents are very upset.

Mycroft knows. He looked me in the eyes and I saw it. He was furious and upset but also sorry. He said that he would take care of it. For once I'm glad that he does it.

You don't say a lot. You just sit in my room the whole day and pretend to read. I feel awful. I don't like seeing you this sad. John you deserve to be happy.

* * *

I stayed at hospital for one extra month. My wound scared. Right by the heart. How ironic.

* * *

You help me with the bandages and the medicine. One day I want to shower and you inspect the wound. I can feel your touch on my cold, bare skin. The places you touch tingle and I love it. I shouldn't but I do.

Suddenly you freeze. I can feel how stiff you get.

"What?" I ask.

You don't answer me.

Then you're gone. I hear the door downstairs close. You left.

And then I know why.

 _Sleep. Do you remember sleep?!_

 _Serbia_

I don't blame you. I know that I was ugly, the scars only show it even more. Broken. I know that I'm not perfect. I tried though. I tried being perfect for you.

* * *

You don't come back till 2 a.m. I can hear you. You stumble around the flat. For a short time I think that you will just vanish upstairs but then I hear your footsteps coming towards my room. You stumble through the door and then look at me. You're drunk.

"When?" You ask.

"While I was gone."

You nod. Your fist clenches and unclenches and I know that this isn't your area. I know that you don't like to speak about this stuff. But if you could just once talk with me John, maybe I can figure out if you like me to. Or if I'm just delusional. I just want to know.

"I messed up." You say and take a step towards my bed. I want to say yes. Because you should have stayed with me and maybe you can stay with me now. We can stay together now.

"You can still straighten it." I respond. You laugh. It's not the nice warm chuckle I love so much instead it's the cold humourless laugh.

"Sherlock don't you see that this is me? I don' deserve anything else. You said it yourself. I love this. I love being lied to. I love having people in my life that don't care about me. This is me. I chose this. I chose her"

Your words slide through me like a knife. John you must know that I didn't mean it! This isn't your fault. You deserve better. You deserve so much better.

"John I didn't mean-"

"Shut up!" You shout and point your finger at me, "You are not better! You also lied! You always lie. You think better of yourself. You probably don't even really care about me. For you this is all just a joke. A fucking game! Something to solve."

I hate myself for letting you hurt me like this. I want to tell you that you are wrong. That it's **you** I care about so much. But I can't. You would think that I am joking. Playing with your feelings. And I know that you don't like me the same way.

So I stay silent.

You take it the wrong way. You think that I agree with what you say.

You leave. Again.

* * *

We never talk about it again. Not about the scars. Not about that evening. Not about Mary. We talk about nothing. It's horrible.

We used to be so comfortable with each other.

We could talk about everything.

We can't do that anymore. And its feels like I'm dying every day. The pain is so much worse than the pain I experienced while being shot. And I know that I will never heal from the scars of a broken heart.

We get up.

Eat.

I experiment. You read the paper.

You go out to work. I stay inside.

You come back.

We eat.

You read or watch telly.

I compose songs for you.

You go to bed.

I go to bed.

I have nightmares.

I wake up.

I think.

You wake up.

We get up.

We don't talk.

The atmosphere is tense.

But I still enjoy having you here

* * *

My parents want us to come over for Christmas. I know that you will forgive her. You have a child. And I will always be second choice.

I always hated Christmas.

Now I hate it even more.

* * *

I promised you to always be there for you. My first and last Vow. And I will keep that promise.

If protecting Mary means protecting you then I will do it.

Even though I hate her.

* * *

Mind Palace. He has a mind palace. No files.

I don't know what to do.

God, why am I so helpless and unknowing in the last time?

I'm sorry John.

I will fix it.

Somehow.

* * *

"I'm not a hero. I'm a high functioning sociopath!"

I hear my brother's voice in the background. He's panicked. Of course. I could get shot right now.

I have to make sure though that you are okay. Are you far enough behind me? Are you out of the snipers shooting line?

„Give my love to Mary! Tell her she's safe now!"

 _I love you! I love you! I love you!_ Please don't believe that I did this for Mary. You must see that this is all for you.

Everything just for you.

Please tell me that you know that I did this for you. John. Please. I killed a man for you. Do you remember that you killed a man for me to?

I don't know how to show you that I love you.

Since you won't stay with me I at least hope that you have a wonderful live with Mary. Live the life you want. Live for me to.

Because mine is over.

* * *

"What the hell have done?"

"Mycroft I-"

"Sherlock! I can't get you out of this. You killed one of the most powerful people in Britain in front of 20 people. I can do a lot but I can't protect you from this."

I don't care. It was the only way.

"Sherlock... I don't know what to tell mummy. I think that the best solution will be if you take a M16 mission. You'll never survive jail."

A suicide mission then. Right. Fine. That's good. That's fine.

Mycroft lays a hand on my shoulder. Well at least he is trying to be comforting.

"I'm sorry brother mine. I..."

"You were right Mycroft. Caring isn't an advantage. It destroys you."

* * *

I really don't want to leave. I was planning on keeping bees one day. John, bees are interesting creatures. Do you like bees? You should.

I want to tell you. This is probably the last time I will ever talk to you.

"John there is something I should say"

Please John understand I need you to know.

"I meant to say always and I never have. Since it's unlikely that we'll ever meet again I might as well say it now.

I can't say it. It wouldn't be fair of me. I can't say this to you and then leave you alone. That wouldn't be fair.

"Sherlock is actually a girl's name."

* * *

This is it then.

I go.

You stay. With Mary.

Mary lives.

I die.

* * *

I wish I could be more excited about returning. Don't get me wrong John. I love being back. I love seeing you. Every moment that I spent with you is like heaven.

But at the end I'm still dying.

A death much slower, quieter and pain fuller than Eastern Europe

 **Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.**

 **By the way I personally think that Magnussen called the ambulance and not Mary because of this:**

post/120948080947/who-called-the-ambulance


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